5 Reasons Why I Never Finished Reading Your Book

I love writers. Anyone that takes the time to put down their thoughts in a constructive and interesting manner earns my respect. It's not easy to do. Not to mention it can be time consuming. But having said that, I don't always like everything I read. I admit I have a short attention span. I am probably a literary fiction writer's nightmare because I don't care for long prose. I am a plot driven kinda girl. Get me to the climax and get me there fast.

I have hundreds of books on my shelves that I have begun to read but for one reason or another, I have never finished reading. Of course I vow to finish reading them at some point in my life, but for now they will continue to collect dust unless I need quick fix for chronic insomnia or I'm in the mood for some gentle self torture. I will not name authors or book titles, but I will tell you why I never finished reading YOUR book.


1. Too slow

If I've made it to page ten and nothing has happened. No one has lost anything; not life, a loved one, money, fame, integrity... nothing... nada. Then we have issues and I'm officially pissed off. Your character cannot have the same problem in chapter two as they did in chapter one. I'm not saying kill off someone by page one, but jolt me into caring enough about the outcome of the protagonist to make me turn pages. Isn't that what readership is about? Turning pages, so I can finish the book and buy your next one. Most readers brag about the books they couldn't put down, not the books they could.


2. Your character names sound like drinks I want to taste or cars I want to own

I'm all for creative names. I can never forget the name Sula Peace from the novel "Sula", Humbert Humbert from the novel "Lolita" and Mr. from the "Color Purple." But once I see characters named after cars and drinks, I instantly feel suckered. It screams I am lazy...so lazy I couldn't put in the effort to give you a memorable name. However, this is an easy fix. Go to baby name sites (babyname.com) and look up names, flip through the phonebook or look at the credits at the end of a film. There is no reason not to come up with something that titillates the reader's mind.



3. Your characters are not believable

Have you ever read a book that made you think..."yeah right?" Some actions that characters perform or traits they exhibit seem unrealistic. Sometimes it's evident the author has not done his or her research. Unless it's science fiction; I can't believe outright lies. You can tell me a baby walked at ten months old, but you can't convince me it talked right out the womb.


4. Typs....Oops I meant typos

I have read books by popular authors before and stumbled upon a typo or grammatical error here or there. But if I have to re-read a sentence more than once because of a typo, I'm not happy. I can forgive three or four max, per book, but that's my personal limit. I am not a translator (although that does sounds cool) and I haven't played Scrabble in years (sorry Oprah).


5. Not enough white space

I need variation in sentencing and paragraphs. Short, long, short, long, short. If I see too little white space, I've already told myself this is going to be long and drawn out. However, you can take the same sentences and break them up into smaller paragraphs. Most novels I've attempted to read have had about thirty sentences per page. Now if I take those thirty sentences and divide them into two paragraphs only, that looks like alot of reading with no pauses and the task of reading can seem daunting. But if there are five paragraphs, it's easier to feel you're making progress. It's all an illusion and I'm willing and eager to believe. I want to feel like I've accomplished something for my effort.


What are some reasons why you couldn't finish reading a book?

5 Things I Learned From The Smurfs

Do you remember watching the small blue cartoon creatures every Saturday morning? If you do, then you remember the Smurfs are a group of dynamic adventurous characters. They are all the same (except for Smurfette who technically isn't a Smurf); they are small, three crab apple's tall, bald, wearing pants, puffy hats and no shirts; they generally look alike. Yet, they are different; Lazy, Greedy, Vanity, Clumsy, Dreamy and Brainy; to name a few. It's the same for characters when writing. Readers must be able to identify with the sameness, yet intrigued and interested in the distinctive characteristics.

When you watch the Smurfs, you knew which character you were watching. Lazy was always falling asleep, his eyes half closed, yawning, dragging a pillow or knocked out somewhere, anywhere, catching some zzz's. You couldn't mistake Dreamy Smurf for Vanity Smurf, who was primping, looking in a mirror, spritzing on some fragrance, with that unmistakable flower in his hat. Or how about Papa Smurf, with his red hat, red pants and white beard? How did the writers let us know which Smurf was which out of ninety-nine Smurfs? It was a combination of things.

When reading a novel, readers should know who is speaking and who is in action. I know I personally hate to backtrack to see if I've missed something, because I don't recognize the character in the scene. When readers have to backtrack, it slows down the momentum of the story and the writer has just committed a writing sin. Never make them want to stop, and never, ever make a reader go backwards.

So here are a few writing lessons I've learned from the Smurfs.


1. Be authentic

Sleepy would never spend his day primping himself, he wouldn't have time to sleep. So when your character is doing something...anything, remember to keep them authentic to who they initially are. Don't change it up so drastically that the readers don't recognize the core of the character.


2. Be distinctive

Yeah, the Smurf village had 99 Smurfs which was favorable to a variation of storylines, but for the most part people generally only remember a handful of Smurfs. Why, because the few that most remember had distinctive traits that no other Smurf had. They each stood out.


3. Don't be ordinary

Do you remember ordinary people? I generally don't. Can't remember their names, faces or anything specific about them. Ordinary people can be boring. And most people read to escape the reality of ordinary life. I don't want to read about someone just like me. Maybe similar to me; for better or for worse, but not just like me. Not to say that every individual doesn't have something special or unique about them, but readers don't know that if you don't tell them.


4. Novels need secondary characters

I don't know how much fun it would've been to watch the Smurfs if Papa Smurf was the only character in the cartoon Saturday after Saturday. Papa Smurf was the leader of his village, but it's not so interesting watching a leader with no followers. Or take Smurfette, my favorite Smurf character. Oh how I loved her flirty ways, but it wouldn't be much fun to watch if she had know one to bat her lashes at.


5. Every story needs a villain

Stories are more interesting when they have at least one opposition. The Smurfs just wanted to live in their forest, happily eating all the smurfberries their hearts desired. But they couldn't be carefree because they had an opposition to their plan named Gargamel. He was not the brightest villain, but he had tenacity. I knew as a kid that every time Gargamel caught a Smurf, it would escape by the end of the show. But I also knew that next week, Gargamel was sure to make his best attempt at catching another one. Part of me disliked Gargamel, but a small part felt pity for him. He just couldn't catch a break; he had rotten teeth, his cottage was raggedy, he had to wear a tattered black dress every episode and he had a cat named Azrael who was just as clueless as he was at catching Smurfs. But the show was more interesting, memorable and distinctive because of him.

Did you learn anything from the Smurfs or another cartoon that helped you in your writing journey?